Sub Trapped in a Domme’s Body

It’s such a peculiar pattern in my life that so often I find myself pushed into a dominant position.  It seems to happen again and again with employers.  I guess it should come as no surprise; I’m smart, and employers seem to want to put smart people where they can best benefit from that intelligence resource.  I guess I can’t blame them.  All my life I’ve been explaining to bosses that I’m not a manager.  I’ve had the discussion with nearly every long-term employer I’ve ever worked for… I’m no manager, I can’t be in charge, but I’m the absolute best manager’s assistant/executive secretary/right-hand-woman that you’ll ever meet.  It doesn’t matter where you put me, whether it be a fast food restaurant or a presidential palace, I’m the smart submissive one who can excel at standing just behind and whispering in the ear of the one in charge.  And employers never believe me.  So many times employers have put me in management positions, and then pushed and resented me for not living up to their ideal of what a manager should be, when all along I told them who I am and what I’m about.

I am the submissive trapped in the body of a dominant.

So, I’ve been struggling for days with how to compose this blog entry.  My relationship with ‘T’ (aka Daddy) is taking some peculiar (and exciting) twists this week.  I guess in a way we’ve sort of swapped rolls.  ‘T’ is enjoying the sanctuary of spending time in the cage.  On Sunday afternoon I tied her down to our massage table and beat her senseless.  The more she screamed, the louder I turned up the music.  She screamed and sobbed alligator tears; she squirmed to get away, but I’m really good with rope work so there was no escape.  I beat her until she stopped screaming, stopped sobbing, and just lay still in complete submission, taking the beating in silence.  Then I put her in the cage for about 40 minutes.  For the rest of the night, ‘T’ was a complete zombie, lost in the nether regions of sub-space.  She liked it.  She wants to do it again.  I enjoyed myself too.  I probably will beat her ass again and again.

Monday and Tuesday nights I’ve been practicing my rope work on ‘T’, experimenting with beautiful rope work.  She loves that.  It’s fun, I love rope, I enjoy it too.

Fortunately I really enjoy learning new things about myself.  I’m learning a lot by topping ‘T’.  I’m finding out that, just as there’s a very predictable emotional/behavioral experience for me after I’ve been completely dominated by someone and put through cage training, there’s an equally powerful and predictable emotional experience that comes from topping ‘T’.  (I’ve never topped or dominated anyone in a scene before ‘T’.)  I’ve written quite a lot in this blog about how cage/submissive/service training affects my personality: super (uncontrollably) affectionate and very sexual, doting, loving, touchy-feely, creative (submission really makes me want to write), generally submissive.  After being trained to submission for a short time I just crave submission, I crave sitting at ‘T’s feet, serving her, looking to her for guidance in all things.  It’s where I’m happiest.  It’s the place where I feel most at home.  In a submissive space I’m as close to being who I was born to be than I’ve ever been anywhere else.  What can I say?  I have begging karma.

So what happens when I top?  Pretty much the exact opposite of being dominated.  After topping ‘T’ I find myself completely cut off from affection, sexuality, creativity.  I just can’t feel.  On Monday after beating ‘T’ the way I did Sunday evening, most of the day on Monday I found myself fighting the urge to cry at work.  I don’t want to cuddle.  I can’t think about sex.  I feel like an artichoke: hard, uninviting, thorny exterior hiding a yummy soft heart.  Now I’m not saying that this is entirely a bad experience.  It’s just an experience, and what I’m describing is what it feels like.  I’m not saying that I don’t want to top ‘T’ anymore, I do, I’m just putting it out there that being dominated does one thing to my personality, and dominating does the opposite.

All that said, I really like practicing my rope work on ‘T’ (or anyone really.)  I’m good at it; I enjoy it; and I want to get better.  I love making ‘T’ scream and cry.  It’s kind of pornographic to me; I have this thing for bound women crying in pain.  Strangely, beating ‘T’ is a kind of pornography that saps away my sexual energy rather than adding to it, but there’s still something enjoyable about it. 

At the same time, it really does feel like I’m a submissive trapped in a dominant’s body, sort of like transsexuals talk about being a woman trapped in a man’s body.  I understand how the trans experience could be unsettling and unpleasant.  I find myself, yet again, pushed into the dominant role.  So, okay, there it is.  I enjoy binding and hurting ‘T’.  There may be a bit of living vicariously.  It’s become clear that ‘T’ is not all that dominant, and she really struggles to bring herself to get into hurting and topping me.  Maybe she doesn’t like it for some of the same reasons that I’m writing about here.  I don’t know.  Maybe she really is more of a submissive.  (So what do you get when 2 submissives are in an exclusive relationship?  Umm, doesn’t sound promising.)  So, she won’t consistently top me, if I want to live the lifestyle I guess I need to top her.  She seems to like it, I get to live my life through her experience I guess.

Yeah, I like hurting her.  I’d describe the enjoyment to be along similar lines of, say, enjoying going out with friends to get really drunk when I was a kid.  We liked it.  We did it all the time.  And we woke up with terrible hangovers.  That’s kind of what the experience of being in the dominant role is like for me so far.  But, I like it well enough to want to continue exploring ‘T’s pain limits, to see how far I can push her.  I want to.  I sincerely doubt that I will easily be able to go back and forth between dominating ‘T’ and then letting her dominate me.  Being dominant is so far outside of who I really am, it feels to me as though going back and forth too much will really fuck with my head and make me crazy.  I guess I’m ready to settle into a dominant role for a while and allow ‘T’ to experience herself in the submissive role.  She just needs to know that I’m may frequently be disconnected from my sexuality and affection.  Look at it this way, being a submissive puppy-girl trains me to be super affectionate and sexual, and being a dominant trains me to be cut off from my sexuality and affection.  It’s a trade off, but it may have its rewards.  We’ll just have to give it time and see what those rewards might be.

In the meantime, I’ll have to be very diligent to not put energy into attracting my submissive fix somewhere else.  It’s been a lifelong pattern to kind of have my antenna tuned to where I might find someone willing to train me to submission.  I haven’t cheated in past relationships in my life, but I’ve always sort of had a roving eye… it’s the craving to experience myself as I truly am, in full submission.  I’m just built that way.  The craving (and roaming eye) only really goes away when I’m feeling committed in submission to a loving Domme.  I’ve only had the experience of being really submissive, where I knew what was expected of me, in one other relationship besides the few short periods when ‘T’ has gotten into being dominant.  I want you to know, ‘T’ that I love you and that I have no intention of fucking up this marriage.  I’m just trying to be honest about what to expect here (because I love you so much.)

Okay, this is long enough; these feelings have been backing up in me for a while.  I hope this VERY long entry is comprehensive and comprehensible.  I look forward to making ‘T’ scream and cry a whole lot more.

XO
Vicious Princess

3 Responses to “Sub Trapped in a Domme’s Body”

  1. Hi Princess,
    You’ve been away for a while. I hope that you are okay, wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, and I hope you’re following you’re heart.
    -Shii

  2. It’s been a while, hon. Hope everything is alright.

  3. akalashi Says:

    Like Shii, I’ve noticed you’ve been away for a while. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed reading about your life with your Daddy and I hope you’ll return to update us on the current situation and how things are working out, for better or worse.

    Here’s hoping everything’s good on the home front.

    -Akalashi

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