Down the Rabbit Hole

Today’s entry might come across as confused and disjointed (and maybe whiney.)  That would be because I’m feeling kind of confused and disjointed.  (And maybe whiney.)

I love my Daddy.  I’ve never known anyone like her.  The love I feel for my Daddy is the kind of love that comes from deep within the core of my soul; it’s like we were built for each other.  Meeting Daddy feels like destiny.

Daddy is new to the world of power exchange and D/s dynamics.  I’m a hard-wired submissive.  I’ve been the submissive for as long as I’ve been aware.  I was the submissive, silent child.  I’ve been submissive in every relationship I’ve ever been in.  Okay, I’ve always been a willful brat, but I’ve thrived most and been happiest in relationships where it was clear that my partner had control over me.  I crave obedience training and attention just as any puppy does, and I always have.

My Daddy is really good at giving me plenty of attention.  But she doesn’t really understand the obedience aspect of my personality.  I think it puzzles and confuses her.  She doesn’t like to play with pain or humiliation, she’s afraid that she’ll hurt me.  Daddy likes to be in charge, but she doesn’t want to “take charge” in our relationship.  I think the idea of “taking charge” and extracted what she wants out of her submissive is too foreign and scary to her.  And anyway she doesn’t really seem to know what it is that she wants from me.  (And maybe, just maybe, she’s afraid to confront her own dominant side, afraid of what she might find out.  Or maybe my Daddy is more submissive than she wants to admit.)

Don’t get me wrong, I really, really love my Daddy.  And I don’t want to give the impression that I’m telling her how to do her business when it comes to being a pet owner.  I just need to write here in order to purge these very odd feeling that are rattling around inside of me.  I don’t like feeling this way, and I want to get back to a good feeling place.

Okay, so some really strange stuff happened with Daddy this past weekend.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to write this down.  Not bad stuff, just strange and confusing and it’s kind of messing with my headspace.  Daddy and I played quite a bit.  We were snowed in on Monday, so we got an unexpectedly extended weekend.  I’ll get more into the detail of our play and scenes in another entry, but I need to get this out.

On Sunday morning, after Daddy untied me from the handcuffs and ankle and knee ropes that I slept in, and as we lay cuddling, just for fun I asked Daddy if I could try the handcuffs on her.  She agreed.  Now, I’m not a switch, I’ve never been a switch, topping is just not who I am or where I’m at, but one thing led to another and before I knew it I had Daddy’s legs tied to the bed, I had a blindfold on her, and I was going to town with a flogger and a riding crop.  I had Daddy sobbing real tears, and she kept egging me on.

I beat Daddy for about a half hour.  It was okay.  I’ve never done such a thing before with anyone, but I kind of welcomed the idea of showing Daddy what the pain experience can be like in the loving hands of a trusted play partner.  Daddy is really afraid to hurt me and she really does almost no training of any kind with me.  I sometimes feel lost and often crave a more dominant hand, but I love and trust my Daddy and so I try to respectfully follow her lead and push down my feelings of unfulfilled craving for the control and guidance of obedience training.  Pushing Daddy to the edge of her pain limits seemed like a promising exercise in showing her that pain play isn’t all that scary and that it can have its appeal and value.  I didn’t plan it, it happened spontaneously, but I think it was good.

Eventually Daddy reached the limit of her pain tolerance and commanded me to release her through her tears.

Last night Daddy asked me to tie her up and flog her again.  I experimented with rope bondage, got Daddy into a comfortable but secure position, and blindfolded her.  I was much more gentle on Daddy last night; I didn’t push her anywhere near to tears.  I gently beat her with various implements, but mostly I flogged her with a deerskin flogger.  After a while I flipped her over onto her stomach and vigorously flogged her back.  Again, I was much more gentle than I was on Sunday and I left the riding crop out of it.  I managed to flog Daddy to orgasm!  Last night’s experience was much more like serving Daddy, as if I gave her a nice full body massage, rather than a topping/beating experience. 

I’m not sure where I’m going with this entry.  I’m confused about my position with Daddy.  

Seriously, I don’t know what I’m trying to say here.  Daddy and I both had the curious experience of still feeling our roles in the midst of last night’s flogging.  In other words, Daddy felt in control and loved as I tied her down and flogged her; she said she felt “totally loved” as I beat her.  And somehow I still felt very submissive even as I tied her down and flogged her.

But I will say that I feel less submissive, owned and obedient today.  The fact that I get almost no obedience training, that I serve and submit to the extent that I myself choose to without any prompting or expectation from Daddy, and that now I’m tying Daddy down and beating on her… well, I guess I feel like the dog that’s allowed to tear up the furniture and piss in the corner without consequences, and that I’m craving an alpha pack leader to give life a little structure and substance.

Sometimes I think I wish that I’d been born more dominant than submissive.  But I am submissive; I guess I should just stop whining and get on with it.

If anyone reading these words has any wisdom and guidance for me, I could sure use some encouragement today.


One Response to “Down the Rabbit Hole”

  1. tonyajonemiller Says:

    I’m a little late, but…

    ~big hugs~

    It’s so scary and confusing exploring any kind of D/s dynamic. I am in the middle of slowly slowly slowly bringing my mostly vanilla primary partner into the bdsm world. I think he too is frightened by the Dominant in him. I know it is in him. I am a masochist and unlike you, I do like pain for pain’s sake. I suspect it may be my personal doorway into deeper levels of submission. I have no problem exploring it with other play partners, but asking the one I love to hurt me is terrifying for both of us.

    There is so much more at stake in our relationship, so much more of my life that would be affected by something going haywire, but it is exactly that intimacy and commitment that compels me to involve him. We are still in the stage of having to deal with after-Top-guilt any time I can get him to hurt me the way I like. It makes me feel bad for asking it of him, and it makes him feel bad because on some level he enjoys it. All we can do is keep trying and processing the results and our reactions. Eventually we will break down the walls or decide to respect them.

    I don’t really have any answers, just wanted you to know that you are not alone. ~smile~ Hope to see you and Daddy soon!



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