Singing the Black and Blues

I was perusing blogs yesterday, and I read an entry in a blog that I regularly read, Akalashi’s World.  The woman who writes the blog has recently acquired a male slave boy, and she’s chronicling the development of her relationship with this slave and how it all fits in with her relationship with her husband.

In yesterday’s entry she wrote:

“One of my favorite things to do right now is to give him bruises. I like the insides of his arms, personally. It hurts incredible amounts and the bruises usually last for a while. He’s had someone notice them, but typically they can be hidden underneath his shirt. The insides of his thighs are another favorite place, but not nearly as accessible as his arms. Right now we’re both still in some gushy phase, but pain has somehow worked itself into it as well. Sharp, lasting pain seems to be a fantastic way of showing my affection for him and he enjoys it. He even kind of enjoys it while it’s happening!”

Reading this paragraph brought on an “Ah-Ha” moment for me.  My Daddy and I have been talking a lot about pain lately, specifically about the use of pain as an integral part of our D/s power exchange.  We’re both a little mixed up about pain and how it fits in for us and our loving arrangement. 

I’m not a masochist.  Pain is not something I crave.  But I am very, very submissive; I get off on submitting my will to my Daddy, and I don’t have a lot of strong feelings about what that looks like.  In other words, as long as Daddy is taking charge, and it’s clear that Daddy is in control of me, then I’m turned on and happy.  It doesn’t matter to me what Daddy does with that command, that she’s taken control is all it takes to turn me on.  It could be as blatant as grabbing me by the hair and spitting in my mouth, or as subtle as quietly warning me in a crowded restaurant to check my bratty behavior, both are equal to me.  I could be standing in a corner with my nose to the wall or sitting on the floor watching tv with my head in Daddy’s lap; I simply love feeling that Daddy is in charge and that I’m her sweet puppy girl, safe in her charge and learning my place.  However, there are few things that Daddy can do that make it as very, very clear to me that she’s in charge than to beat me.

When my Daddy hurts me, I don’t particularly enjoy the pain itself very much, but there’s an intense erotic charge mixed in with the pain.  In the moment that Daddy is paddling me, I feel with every single nerve in my body that DADDY IS IN CHARGE!  And that experience, the experience of being that submissive, is extremely erotic to me.  But the best part comes after the beating.  My stinging ass, and any bruises that remain, are a lovely reminder of my on going submission to my Daddy.  After a good beating, I feel absolutely submissive for days.  And when I feel my submission that deeply, I’m in heaven.

Of course, there are ways for me to get into that submissive state without pain.  Prolonged bondage does that for me.  Puppy play can do it.  Humiliation can do it too, like when my Daddy tells me to do something embarrassing in front of other people.  Pain is only one way to get to that state of exquisite submission I love so well.

One thing I get from Akalashi’s post yesterday is that she really likes to hurt her slave boy.  To her, it appears, hurting him is an act of affection.  He likes to be hurt and she likes hurting him.  My ah-ha experience came in the realization that this seems to be a key element that does not ring true in the relationship between Daddy and me.

My Daddy does not like to hurt me, though this is all a little mixed up for her too.  She does enjoy the rush that comes from the physical act of hitting me; it releases tension in her, gets out built up aggression, and lowers her blood pressure.  And she loves to hear me (or others) scream with pain; that’s a real erotic charge for her, it really TURNS HER ON!  But then there’s an emotional backlash, I think, that makes her feel guilty after she’s beaten me.  I think it makes her question what’s wrong with her; she wonders if she’s a bad person for enjoying my pain (or anyone else’s pain for that matter.)  That emotional discomfort seems to build over time so that eventually it becomes too uncomfortable for her to hit me with any real force.  Maybe Daddy feels ashamed for liking my pain?  That’s just a guess.

And so, the combination of me not liking the pain and her emotional discomfort with giving me pain seems to create a feedback loop that bars us from forms of play that involve deliberate pain.  In other words, if she suggests hurting or physically punishing me, rather than encouraging her to hurt me because I like it, my response is to behave in a way that distracts her from wanting to hurt me.  I get scared, more submissive, lovey-dovey, doting, and I’ll suggest activities that I hope will distract her from her threat.  All this feeds into her emotional discomfort around hurting me.  And in some strange, twisted way, I end up feeling vaguely disappointed because I’ve distracted her away from taking charge of me, which is the thing I love best.

But the main thing is that Daddy and I are having a lot of fun!  We’re finding our way in the dynamics of power exchange little by little.  I asked if Daddy would play fetch with me on Monday night, and that was GREAT FUN!  And I’ve been feeling wonderfully submissive since then.  Last night Daddy let me serve her in the position of sexual submissive.  That was wonderful and extremely sweet. 

My Daddy loves me and wields her Dominance over me with great care.  And I love her for that.  I love that we’re taking baby steps into our power exchange dynamic.  I’m grateful that we both kind of  pause frequently to look inside and to check in with our own heart to see if we’re still having fun or if we’ve crossed the line into taking ourselves and our power exchange too seriously.  And I love that Daddy puts the long term health and well being of our marriage first in all decisions and actions she takes as my Daddy and Wife.

Truly, this is all simply insight into who we are and how we play.  And it’s all unfolding in sweet perfection.

I love you Daddy!  Thank you for accepting my gift of submission with the grace of the pure loving heart of God.  I will follow you anywhere.


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