Sub Trapped in a Domme’s Body

Posted in switching with tags , , on March 25, 2009 by Slave Missy

It’s such a peculiar pattern in my life that so often I find myself pushed into a dominant position.  It seems to happen again and again with employers.  I guess it should come as no surprise; I’m smart, and employers seem to want to put smart people where they can best benefit from that intelligence resource.  I guess I can’t blame them.  All my life I’ve been explaining to bosses that I’m not a manager.  I’ve had the discussion with nearly every long-term employer I’ve ever worked for… I’m no manager, I can’t be in charge, but I’m the absolute best manager’s assistant/executive secretary/right-hand-woman that you’ll ever meet.  It doesn’t matter where you put me, whether it be a fast food restaurant or a presidential palace, I’m the smart submissive one who can excel at standing just behind and whispering in the ear of the one in charge.  And employers never believe me.  So many times employers have put me in management positions, and then pushed and resented me for not living up to their ideal of what a manager should be, when all along I told them who I am and what I’m about.

I am the submissive trapped in the body of a dominant.

So, I’ve been struggling for days with how to compose this blog entry.  My relationship with ‘T’ (aka Daddy) is taking some peculiar (and exciting) twists this week.  I guess in a way we’ve sort of swapped rolls.  ‘T’ is enjoying the sanctuary of spending time in the cage.  On Sunday afternoon I tied her down to our massage table and beat her senseless.  The more she screamed, the louder I turned up the music.  She screamed and sobbed alligator tears; she squirmed to get away, but I’m really good with rope work so there was no escape.  I beat her until she stopped screaming, stopped sobbing, and just lay still in complete submission, taking the beating in silence.  Then I put her in the cage for about 40 minutes.  For the rest of the night, ‘T’ was a complete zombie, lost in the nether regions of sub-space.  She liked it.  She wants to do it again.  I enjoyed myself too.  I probably will beat her ass again and again.

Monday and Tuesday nights I’ve been practicing my rope work on ‘T’, experimenting with beautiful rope work.  She loves that.  It’s fun, I love rope, I enjoy it too.

Fortunately I really enjoy learning new things about myself.  I’m learning a lot by topping ‘T’.  I’m finding out that, just as there’s a very predictable emotional/behavioral experience for me after I’ve been completely dominated by someone and put through cage training, there’s an equally powerful and predictable emotional experience that comes from topping ‘T’.  (I’ve never topped or dominated anyone in a scene before ‘T’.)  I’ve written quite a lot in this blog about how cage/submissive/service training affects my personality: super (uncontrollably) affectionate and very sexual, doting, loving, touchy-feely, creative (submission really makes me want to write), generally submissive.  After being trained to submission for a short time I just crave submission, I crave sitting at ‘T’s feet, serving her, looking to her for guidance in all things.  It’s where I’m happiest.  It’s the place where I feel most at home.  In a submissive space I’m as close to being who I was born to be than I’ve ever been anywhere else.  What can I say?  I have begging karma.

So what happens when I top?  Pretty much the exact opposite of being dominated.  After topping ‘T’ I find myself completely cut off from affection, sexuality, creativity.  I just can’t feel.  On Monday after beating ‘T’ the way I did Sunday evening, most of the day on Monday I found myself fighting the urge to cry at work.  I don’t want to cuddle.  I can’t think about sex.  I feel like an artichoke: hard, uninviting, thorny exterior hiding a yummy soft heart.  Now I’m not saying that this is entirely a bad experience.  It’s just an experience, and what I’m describing is what it feels like.  I’m not saying that I don’t want to top ‘T’ anymore, I do, I’m just putting it out there that being dominated does one thing to my personality, and dominating does the opposite.

All that said, I really like practicing my rope work on ‘T’ (or anyone really.)  I’m good at it; I enjoy it; and I want to get better.  I love making ‘T’ scream and cry.  It’s kind of pornographic to me; I have this thing for bound women crying in pain.  Strangely, beating ‘T’ is a kind of pornography that saps away my sexual energy rather than adding to it, but there’s still something enjoyable about it. 

At the same time, it really does feel like I’m a submissive trapped in a dominant’s body, sort of like transsexuals talk about being a woman trapped in a man’s body.  I understand how the trans experience could be unsettling and unpleasant.  I find myself, yet again, pushed into the dominant role.  So, okay, there it is.  I enjoy binding and hurting ‘T’.  There may be a bit of living vicariously.  It’s become clear that ‘T’ is not all that dominant, and she really struggles to bring herself to get into hurting and topping me.  Maybe she doesn’t like it for some of the same reasons that I’m writing about here.  I don’t know.  Maybe she really is more of a submissive.  (So what do you get when 2 submissives are in an exclusive relationship?  Umm, doesn’t sound promising.)  So, she won’t consistently top me, if I want to live the lifestyle I guess I need to top her.  She seems to like it, I get to live my life through her experience I guess.

Yeah, I like hurting her.  I’d describe the enjoyment to be along similar lines of, say, enjoying going out with friends to get really drunk when I was a kid.  We liked it.  We did it all the time.  And we woke up with terrible hangovers.  That’s kind of what the experience of being in the dominant role is like for me so far.  But, I like it well enough to want to continue exploring ‘T’s pain limits, to see how far I can push her.  I want to.  I sincerely doubt that I will easily be able to go back and forth between dominating ‘T’ and then letting her dominate me.  Being dominant is so far outside of who I really am, it feels to me as though going back and forth too much will really fuck with my head and make me crazy.  I guess I’m ready to settle into a dominant role for a while and allow ‘T’ to experience herself in the submissive role.  She just needs to know that I’m may frequently be disconnected from my sexuality and affection.  Look at it this way, being a submissive puppy-girl trains me to be super affectionate and sexual, and being a dominant trains me to be cut off from my sexuality and affection.  It’s a trade off, but it may have its rewards.  We’ll just have to give it time and see what those rewards might be.

In the meantime, I’ll have to be very diligent to not put energy into attracting my submissive fix somewhere else.  It’s been a lifelong pattern to kind of have my antenna tuned to where I might find someone willing to train me to submission.  I haven’t cheated in past relationships in my life, but I’ve always sort of had a roving eye… it’s the craving to experience myself as I truly am, in full submission.  I’m just built that way.  The craving (and roaming eye) only really goes away when I’m feeling committed in submission to a loving Domme.  I’ve only had the experience of being really submissive, where I knew what was expected of me, in one other relationship besides the few short periods when ‘T’ has gotten into being dominant.  I want you to know, ‘T’ that I love you and that I have no intention of fucking up this marriage.  I’m just trying to be honest about what to expect here (because I love you so much.)

Okay, this is long enough; these feelings have been backing up in me for a while.  I hope this VERY long entry is comprehensive and comprehensible.  I look forward to making ‘T’ scream and cry a whole lot more.

XO
Vicious Princess

Bonding

Posted in Submission, What I Love with tags , , , , , on March 16, 2009 by Slave Missy

Daddy and I had a wonderful weekend. I’m so thrilled to be witness to my Master coming into her power and strength. It’s hot and it’s encouraging and it’s so sweet.

Friday afternoon I came home from work and Daddy had set my cage up complete with a mylar balloon tied to it that said “Princess” on it. After the events of early last week, with me freaking out and taking a step back to gain perspective about my submission, it was very sweet that Daddy missed seeing me in my cage and wanted me back in it. I missed it too. I’d also stopped wearing my collar for a few days last week. So Friday night Master told me that she wanted the collar back on me, and she did something that she hasn’t done before… she told me that she wanted to put it on me. Usually I just put my collar on myself, but it was sweet and felt empowering to be completely submissive to my Daddy as I knelt before her so that she could place the collar and bell around my neck. I didn’t think it was possible, but my heart expanded and my love for Master grew ten-fold in that moment.

Daddy is also figuring out that she really does have complete control over what I’m doing when she wants it; she’s discovered that if she grabs me by my collar, she can effectively paralyze and immobilize me with almost no effort. I get a little rambunctious at times, and I can play pretty rough. Twice in the past few days Master has grabbed my collar from behind and basically held me to the floor, completely unable to move, just long enough to calm me down and make me stop what I was doing. (I think the first time she grabbed my collar she might have been a little surprised that I let her get away with it… seriously though, I was surprised that she did it, and I was instantly hot for her as I saw the light of recognition come on in her eyes the moment that she actually FELT how much power she has over me.)

Also, my Master gave me instructions before she went to bed on Friday. Without any prompting on my part, Daddy told me that it was okay to stay up as late as I wanted and that I was to lock myself in my cage when I was ready to lay down. It makes me wet and gives me butterflies in my stomach to think about Daddy getting stronger and feeling more sure of herself as a pet owner. I feel overwhelmed with desire as little by little, in a million small ways, Master assumes her position and place of power as my owner and trainer. The more that Daddy takes subtle control over me, the more I find myself wanting to submit to her. The more I submit to her, the more bonded to her I become.

I love my Master with the same zeal and intensity that any puppy feels for her loving master. I’m so grateful to my Daddy for giving me this opportunity to live and grow into the truest expression of my nature. Daddy has tapped into something in me that has always been there, but that I’ve never really been able to live and express. I don’t entirely understand the feelings inside of me, but I do know that I love and trust my Daddy with every ounce of my being. I love being under her control. I love being at her feet. I love taking care of her. I love being her pet-girl for life.

I love you, Daddy.

XO,
Princess

Greenlight

Posted in Submission with tags , , , , on March 11, 2009 by Slave Missy

Thank you, Daddy for working with me to resolve my little emotional meltdown.  It’s the weirdest thing in the world to me to use my safeword; there’s a certain amount of shame that goes with it.  It’s a standard I attempt to impose on myself, that I’ll never use a safeword, that I’ll take whatever my Master does or wants to do to me and never complain or whine.  It’s shocking to me when something happens that feels so overwhelming that I just can’t seem to stop myself from shouting out my safeword.

Anyway, like I said, this is only the second time I’ve ever used a safeword.  I guess that’s a pretty good record.  (The other time, Daddy may remember, was the first time I talked her into striking me, before she became more comfortable with being my Master; she started with a flogger and I kept saying, “Is that all you got?  Hit me!”  Then she started in with the riding crop, and I kept saying, “Hit me!  Are you some sort of wimp?  Hit me!”  Next thing I knew I was shouting, “Yellowlight! Yellowlight!” and I ended up with the most beautiful grapefruit-sized black bruises on my ass that took 10 days to fade.  My Daddy ain’t no wimp!)

Please forgive me, Daddy, for calling yellowlight this time.  I’m sorry for my misunderstanding.  But I learned something valuable about myself this week.  I mean, I kind of knew it already, but my understanding has become deeper.  I’m seeing more clearly how my biggest hurdles when it comes to being a submissive and a pet are with scary emotional stuff.  Sleeping in a cage every night doesn’t bother me, in fact I love it.  Being tied to a table for 4 or 5 hours is challenging, but I can handle it.  Being flogged, spanked and paddled is a rush and cathartic, and I can handle that any day of the week.  When it comes to emotional stuff though, I tend to be more frail and fragile.  Will you please help me to work on this, Daddy?  Will you help me to push my limits somehow?  I don’t know just how that might work, but if we set our intention to figure it out, then I feel certain that the best course of action will come to us.

I want to trust you in all areas, Daddy.  I don’t want to have these experiences of fragility that upset you and upset me and upset everything that we’re becoming.  I want to be your sweet pet-girl and to trust you in all matters.  Please help me to be better.  I want your guidance and your leadership.  I do trust you.  I know that you and I want the same things: to see us both grow as Domme and submissive, to grow as wife and wife, to grow as the supportive, loving couple we intend to be, and to grow as individuals.  I’m positive that for my part, what’s going to help me to grow and evolve and be the best wife and lover ever is for me to commit to following the path of submission to you, my Master.  Thank you, Daddy for helping me along this path and for not giving up on me.

I’m done with my little tantrum and tirade.  Greenlight, Daddy.  If you’ll have me, I remain your sweet submissive puppy-girl to lead and train as you see fit.  Please allow me to follow your lead down this path of love and life.

XO,
Princess

Protected: The Trouble With Princess (Private)

Posted in Uncategorized on March 10, 2009 by Slave Missy

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Yellow Light

Posted in What I hate, What scares me with tags , on March 9, 2009 by Slave Missy

Well, Daddy and I have been in our new house for 9 days, and I’ve been sleeping in my cage every night for about a week.  And it’s been really good and really hot.  Sleeping in the cage gets more and more comfortable every night; it’s my safe little den, and I’ve gotten use to sleeping all curled up, too confined to stretch out.  Laying there in the dark of my covered cage listening to Daddy breathing in the bed next to my cage is just a never ending source of erotic desire bubbling up from somewhere deep inside of me, some primal space that I don’t understand at all.

But, something odd happened between Daddy and me this morning that has left me feeling emotionally fragile and dangerously vulnerable.  I need to do something I only remember doing once before in my kinky life; I need to use my safeword.

Yellow light.  I need a puppy break.  I need some time to regroup and reestablish my equilibrium.

I think what happened this morning is a good thing.  I have a feeling that it will open Daddy and me up to channels of communication that have been closed to us up to this point.  And as most submissives would agree (I think), if I’m going to put my very life in the hands of another, the importance of clear, honest communication can’t be over emphasized.  Certain kinds of emotional fragility and emotional vulnerability simply have to be off the table before I can be comfortable allowing the padlocks to snap shut, putting the keys to my life into the hands of another human being.

I love my Daddy.  We’ll work this out.  But for the moment I need to step back from puppy training.

All is well.

XO,
Princess

Pet Training

Posted in Training Days, What really excites me with tags , , , , , , on March 6, 2009 by Slave Missy

I had 2 experiences this morning that took my sexual desire to a new height.  Last night before I went to bed, I figured out how to set the timer on the central heat thermostat.  Daddy gets up very early in the morning to be at work by 4.  She gets up a little earlier than necessary, and I get up with her, so that we can play a little before she leaves for work.  She typically gets up, goes to the bathroom, lets me out of my cage, then crawls back into bed.  This morning when she realized that the heat had come on before she got up, I noticed that she moved at a more leisurely pace when she went to the bathroom.  I sat up in the dark of my covered cage and waited for Master to give her attention to me.  As I waited there in the dark, as each second ticked by and my bladder nudged for relief, I felt more and more the affect of Daddy’s control washing over me.  By the time she opened the door to my cage and released me, I was already wildly turned on by the sensation of being completely her surrendered pet to use and train as she sees fit.

After I peed I crawled up on the bed.  I was wild with the passion of my submission to Master’s pleasure.  I kissed her all over her head and chest.  I stroked her hair and rubbed my whole body against hers.  Master casually reached around and grabbed my collar at the back of my neck.  She gently pulled me back so I couldn’t quite reach to kiss her.  With her other hand she pinned my arm to the bed, and she used her knees against my legs so I couldn’t rub my body on hers.  I strained to break free for a moment, but when I realized that Master had complete control over me I stopped struggling and relaxed into Master’s control.  She suddenly let go of me and I went wild.  By the time Daddy got up for work, she had to fight me off of her and pin me to the bed so that she could get up.

If the point of Daddy’s pet training is to get me into a state of constant arousal all day everyday, well then she’s succeeding wonderfully.

It feels so strange, as a chronic night owl that hardly sleeps at all, that sleeping in my cage every night this week has me feeling eager to get to bed at an early enough hour that I get to spend plenty of time in my cage before Daddy lets me out.  I’ve been in my cage by 10:30 every night (an unheard of early hour for me to be in bed.)  And here it is Friday night, a night I typically get in bed about 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, here it is 10:30 and I’m rushing to get this blog entry posted so that I can run up stairs and get ready for bed.  As it turns out, an unexpected consequence of Master training me to sleep in my cage is that I’m getting a lot more rest than I usually do.

Just one more way that being Daddy’s puppy-girl keeps me healthy, happy and ever Daddy’s loving pet.

XO,
Princess

Why Is It?

Posted in What I Love, What really excites me with tags , , , , , , on March 5, 2009 by Slave Missy

This is the strangest thing ever to me.  Why is it that on the nights that I sleep in my Master’s bed with her I wake up tired and groggy?  Why is it that when I sleep in the bed I wake up but want to go right back to sleep?  Why do lay there sort of detached and in my own little world?  Why do I go right back to sleep after Master leaves for work and then have a hard time getting up for work myself?  Why do I just want to lie there quietly and hold Daddy until she gets up to get ready for work?

Furthermore, why is it that on the nights I sleep in my cage I wake up refreshed and well rested?  Why do I wake up sweet and wiggly?  Why is it that I can’t stop stroking, kissing, nibbling and licking my Master on the mornings that I wake up in my cage?  Why is it that Daddy has to fight me off from pawing and kissing on her as she gets up for work?  Why is it that on the mornings that I wake up in my cage I feel alert and energized after Daddy leaves for work and I have no trouble getting up for work myself?  How can it be that this response to sleeping in my cage feels completely involuntary, like I couldn’t stop myself from being the affection-hound even if I wanted to?

Of course my Master says, “Who cares why?  I’m just glad that it works that way.”  This morning Daddy told me how happy she is that I’m sleeping in my cage again.  She says that she “needed” for me to be back in my cage, that she “needed” for me to be the loving, affectionate puppy-girl of her desires again.  I love that!  That really excites me.  It seems that the little break in our puppy training routine while we were moving was hard on us both.  I love that too!  Master said this morning, “You’d better get used to being in your cage; I really like you this way.”  That makes me very hot!

Daddy says that she hopes that the effect of cage training doesn’t wear off over time, that I don’t get desensitized to it.  What can say except to experiment with it and see what happens.  I  have to confess that I was feeling so detached and moody from weeks of no puppy training by the time that my Master put me back in my cage 2 nights ago that I felt real concern that cage training wasn’t going to work anymore.  I felt kind of indifferent to being in my cage when Daddy told me that she would be putting me in for the night, I kind of felt like, “I’m over it.  I’m bored with the cage.”  But I did what I was told to do and got in my cage at bedtime, and guess what… when I woke up yesterday morning (and again this morning) I was the happy, affectionate, sweet sexual puppy all over again.  And I was surprised and amazed at the involuntary power of my response to cage training.  And amazed at how well rested I felt when I woke up.  So all I can say about whether cage training will always work is, “Daddy, trust your intuition and let the results of your training methods speak for themselves.”

Our new house has this nice, small room in the basement.  This room has 2 small windows up high, wood paneling, and brand new, well padded, plush carpeting.  It’s about the size of a jail cell.  It occurred to me yesterday that this room could make a very nice confinement space for my Master’s puppy-girl.  I mentioned to Daddy that we could put a locking doorknob with the lock on the outside, put a pee pad in a corner, a bowl of water and a dish of food and she could leave her puppy safely while she’s busy with other stuff.  Add some locking puppy mitts and maybe some light bondage occasionally for different affects.  We could even work out a method for completely blacking out the small windows when we want to (maybe with a fan outside the door to create white noise) to see what affect sensory deprivation has on Master’s puppy-girl.  The point, of course, is to keep me the sweet, loving, sexually wound up pet-girl for my Daddy.

I think my Master likes some of my ideas for the basement bedroom.

I love that my Master is really beginning to understand how training creates desired behavior in her pet-girl.  Just as with any pet, the more consistent the training is, the more consistent the results will be.  In other words, keeping me in a cage overnight results in a very, very affectionate, sexually wild puppy-girl in the morning.  The more mornings that I wake up like that, the more affectionate, sexual and submissive I’ll be all the time (not just in the morning.)  Different types of training might yield different kinds of affects.  It’s okay to experiment.  I really want my Master to know that I’m her willing pet.  Anything that she’d like to try, anything she reads about, hears about, imagines in her mind, I hope she’ll feel completely free to try; she can’t know how I might respond to something unless she experiments with it.  I’m her pet; I’ll follow her lead.  If she needs me to do prep, like installing doorknobs, tying myself down, or otherwise preparing a space, she just needs to let me know what she wants me to do and I’ll do it.  I trust my Daddy with my life!

XO,
Princess